my mouth tastes like poor choices
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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