I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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