just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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