Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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