Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
