She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
