I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
