My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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