I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize