I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
