You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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