Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
