omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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