I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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