I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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