I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
