I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
