my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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