I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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