guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
