1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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