Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
areolas are like halos for boobs.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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