based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
