What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
