My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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