Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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