The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
