Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
