so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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