Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
