I want to walk on stilts...naked
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
