so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm passing your future prison.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
