fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
