I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
