I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
