You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
