i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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