I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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