hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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