I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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