My underwear smells like fireworks.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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