I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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