go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
