I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
