Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
