So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
