I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
