When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
