Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
