Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
