I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
