Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
