yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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