I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
