as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize