I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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