I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
