At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
