a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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