The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
