I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
