I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
